You haven't. You've seen me the last few months, as an adult, you don't know where I've come from at all. I developed problems with anger after a long and storied history of abuse.
[He doesn't say anything, but he could. He thinks about Adam, about the black eyes, the bruised arms- he thinks about throwing himself at Robert Parrish and getting forced into a cop car, thinks about twisting around awkwardly in cuffs to watch Adam's small, defeated figure get smaller and smaller through the back windshield.
Of course, he wouldn't say anything. It's not his secret to tell. But he's seen it, closer than what some would expect.]
And now- what? It made you into this thing and now you hate it? What would you do differently?
[He admits, with the kind of very quiet, very calm voice that actually sounds a little more dissociated than it does healthy.]
I mean, I should say, first he killed my mother, while she was trying to pack us up to leave. I was right there, and eventually he was sentenced and incarcerated, and I grew up with my aunt. After Brian was released, though, when I was a few years older than you would be now, he got out. He came and he found me at her grave, on the anniversary of her death, and the next thing I remember, the police were informing me that he'd had a fall against a tombstone.
It didn't exactly make me cry over him, but I think it changed something in me for the worse, losing control of my anger like that. My accident only amplified something that was already wrong with me. I was a better person before I grew into a powerful man, and I am a better person now that I move away from it. I believe that.
[That's a lot of information to take in at once, and Ronan isn't quite sure how to process it at first. He certainly doesn't act any different, having known- he's still slouched over the table, idly picking at the hem of his sleeves.]
...if that's what you believe.
[A pause, and then-]
I don't think being pissed at something like that means there's something wrong with you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He sneers.]
I've known you for months. I know who you are.
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Tell me, then. How being vulnerable made you a better person.
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[There are things here that he can't say out loud, even thirty five years later.]
I grew up very angry, about the things I couldn't do. Or change.
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Of course, he wouldn't say anything. It's not his secret to tell. But he's seen it, closer than what some would expect.]
And now- what? It made you into this thing and now you hate it? What would you do differently?
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[He admits, with the kind of very quiet, very calm voice that actually sounds a little more dissociated than it does healthy.]
I mean, I should say, first he killed my mother, while she was trying to pack us up to leave. I was right there, and eventually he was sentenced and incarcerated, and I grew up with my aunt. After Brian was released, though, when I was a few years older than you would be now, he got out. He came and he found me at her grave, on the anniversary of her death, and the next thing I remember, the police were informing me that he'd had a fall against a tombstone.
It didn't exactly make me cry over him, but I think it changed something in me for the worse, losing control of my anger like that. My accident only amplified something that was already wrong with me. I was a better person before I grew into a powerful man, and I am a better person now that I move away from it. I believe that.
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...if that's what you believe.
[A pause, and then-]
I don't think being pissed at something like that means there's something wrong with you.
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I know the difference.
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[Ronan sighs and rubs at his eyes, honestly exhausted, before he makes a move to get up.]
-anyway, I should get going. I just wanted to tell you that we're back.
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Be in touch soon.